I wish I knew how to put all my thoughts and how they constantly swirl in my head down in this blog. It seems at times I have a million different feelings and thoughts ebbing and flowing through my mind. I feel like I have a constant stream of thoughts, memories, dreams, aspirations, fears, feelings making my head a mess of confusion. I want to be able to write down how I am so happy, but I can't figure out the right story or words to portray my deepest feelings. I want to explain how losing someone I care about closed one chapter of my life but opened the doors to new feelings about those I thought had written me off long ago. I feel so jumbled but so clear headed all at once. How do I smooth out the wrinkled thoughts and make them a smooth free flowing sentence?

 

How do I show the world I am happy being me, even if it makes others uncomfortable? I know who I am and how to smooth the thoughts in my head, but I don't know how to have it make sense to others. I guess I can keep writing and throwing whatever I want out there and hope it means something to some one.

I want to be better at putting all of this down. Knowing I can sort it out with the keys on my laptop untangling all the jumbled mess to make it sound how I want makes me feel better. I think the only way for me to get better at it is to keep practicing.  Hang in there :)

tick tock

Days are flying by

working, bible study, little miss' dance class, church, staying up late, working out, cuddling, concerts, lunch dates, figuring out how tumblr works, hanging out with friends, girl scout meetings, and life just keeps flying by.

I love my life; the only thing I wish I could figure out is how to make it slow down.

I can't wait to get out of town, sleep in, eat some junk food, play music like it's going out of style, and go play in a different town.

Soon....I hope :)

Putting it out there

Sometimes it's frustrating having two lives. I know who I am and I don't really care what people think about me, but crafting my words so others don't get hurt is sometimes disappointing. I have done well in the last six months to come out and be me but I realize that doesn't necessarily mean that being me can't hurt those I love. Facebook posts that have to look a certain way just so there is that thin veil that still separates the truth from the unknown, the way conversations are drawn to look they way they "should look" and not the way things actually are, the way a hug can't linger because that would imply something that makes some people uncomfortable.

It's hard not to be mad about this double life I have to live. I wish it was "acceptable" to just love who you love and not have to worry about what others think, but life doesn't always work that way. I guess that some have to deal with conflict within their relationship and we just get to deal with the outside opinions of others.

My hope is that within time people in my life will come to know that I have never been happier in my life and I have found the love I was looking for.

I will have to learn that some people's opinions won't change within my lifetime and I will just have to get used to side glances when I hold my girls hand, or jeers when I kiss her hello or goodbye. I hope that someday we can give up the two lives and find a balance of out but not in your face out. As silly as it sounds I would like to be a Facebook couple and be able to have pictures up of my family. I would like to be referred to as Mindy's girlfriend by members of her family and mine or even just by her, and I would like for the scary feeling of calling Mindy my girlfriend to go away so I can feel more comfortable doing so to strangers and those we love. I'm not sure how long it will take for those things to happen but I am willing to wait because she is the one I want for all time and I have learned that sooner doesn't necessarily mean better. 

Yep.....

Yep I said it, my Valentine is a girl. I'm not really sure how I feel putting it out there for everyone (or maybe no one) to know. It's strange putting info, deeply personal info out on the internet not knowing who will read it. BUT it is kind of a relief to start writing it down, my life, my thoughts the way I would talk to my friends. (Maybe not exactly how I talk to my friends, I think I cuss more in real life and I use words like lezzi, homo and other words that might offend some people.)
I've been reading blogs by other girls like me..... girls who like girls, and I hope I can slowly add those words and phrases into my journal here. I want to talk like I'm speaking with a friend and not worry about what people will think. It will take a little time though. I worry more about what people will say to my little girl or to my girlfriend to hurt them and less about what people think of me as a person.
I've learned to have patience (thank you babe) and know that not everyone will be ok with me being a lesbian right away. It takes time for people to realize that I am still me and that really nothing about me has changed, just the way others see me. I hope that I can continue to have patience and pray for a more accepting world where future generations don't have to hide or sidestep who they love.

Will you be mine?

I have a pretty amazing Valentine. She's really the only one I want for the rest of my days <3

Yeah, I Think So

My horoscope from this week's Boise Weekly.



"Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it." So said the eccentric, outspoken, and hard-partying actress Talullah Bankhead (1902-1968). Can you guess her astrological sign? Aquarius, of course. Her greatest adventure came from trying to keep up with all the unpredictable urges that welled up inside her. She found it challenging and fun to be as unique as she could possibly be. I nominate her to be your role model in the next four weeks. Your assignment is to work extra hard at being yourself.

My dad is huge into horoscopes and so growing up I always (and still do) find them intriguing and somewhat fascinating. I do however hold my air of suspicion and maintain the fact that horoscopes are written sometimes so generally or vaguely that they could apply to most anyone. Then there are days when I read my horoscope and think....where are the cameras? This week's horoscope did just that. As I was laying in bed last night I thought about all the things I would like to put in my "journal" here but don't simply because I'm not sure how to go about putting it all out there without being a little terrified. Of course there are other people I need to consider when putting all of me out there for the world to see. So with consent, this week I will show the world (or the two people that read this blog) ME.

Spice of Life

 Today while mindlessly inputting data into the strangest system ever, I decided I needed music to make it a little less zombie like. Brandi Carlile is ALWAYS my number one choice for music to help me get motivated. There are so many things I love about her music but the the #1 reason is, I feel empowered when I hear her sing. It's the way she puts everything she is into her music, that I don't have to know her personally to know how she feels. When we went to Bend OR this last summer for our concert extravaganza Brandi was the last concert we went to, Mindy and I got close enough to touch the stage....I was in HEAVEN:) After that night I felt I could no longer hold in who I was and what I wanted for my life. Brandi has helped me be a better me and show the ones I love that I am happy and that even though happy/love might look different than it has in the past, it so very very real for me.

Music has always been able to reach places in my soul that no other medium can. I can be found some Sundays with a well of pooling waterworks while singing my favorite songs at church. Sometimes I put on the punk-pop I LOVED in high school/college just to get real good and angry when things aren't going the way I think they should. The Head and the Heart make my spirit happy and fills me with peace. Cello music makes my heart yearn for days past when I could have worked at my craft and maybe done something musically with my life, maybe nothing huge but something to keep my hands and mind quick and sharp. Something that so when I hear Mindy play the piano I could think to myself "I could play with her". It makes me sad now to know that I have forgotten how to play even one note, to know that music isn't even something I can sight read. Maybe it's those reasons that people who can make music amaze me and find a special place in my heart.

Sometimes I feel a little nerdy the way music can emotionally hijack me, but I also like to think of it as a blessing. It lets me know I am alive and that I am passionate about life and what it has to offer. It lets me know I am putting myself out there with possibly too much on my sleeve but that it is ALL me. It's one of the things that the most important people in my life love about me and I think scares others, because I feel things so deeply and can acknowledge it.