Putting it out there

Sometimes it's frustrating having two lives. I know who I am and I don't really care what people think about me, but crafting my words so others don't get hurt is sometimes disappointing. I have done well in the last six months to come out and be me but I realize that doesn't necessarily mean that being me can't hurt those I love. Facebook posts that have to look a certain way just so there is that thin veil that still separates the truth from the unknown, the way conversations are drawn to look they way they "should look" and not the way things actually are, the way a hug can't linger because that would imply something that makes some people uncomfortable.

It's hard not to be mad about this double life I have to live. I wish it was "acceptable" to just love who you love and not have to worry about what others think, but life doesn't always work that way. I guess that some have to deal with conflict within their relationship and we just get to deal with the outside opinions of others.

My hope is that within time people in my life will come to know that I have never been happier in my life and I have found the love I was looking for.

I will have to learn that some people's opinions won't change within my lifetime and I will just have to get used to side glances when I hold my girls hand, or jeers when I kiss her hello or goodbye. I hope that someday we can give up the two lives and find a balance of out but not in your face out. As silly as it sounds I would like to be a Facebook couple and be able to have pictures up of my family. I would like to be referred to as Mindy's girlfriend by members of her family and mine or even just by her, and I would like for the scary feeling of calling Mindy my girlfriend to go away so I can feel more comfortable doing so to strangers and those we love. I'm not sure how long it will take for those things to happen but I am willing to wait because she is the one I want for all time and I have learned that sooner doesn't necessarily mean better. 

Yep.....

Yep I said it, my Valentine is a girl. I'm not really sure how I feel putting it out there for everyone (or maybe no one) to know. It's strange putting info, deeply personal info out on the internet not knowing who will read it. BUT it is kind of a relief to start writing it down, my life, my thoughts the way I would talk to my friends. (Maybe not exactly how I talk to my friends, I think I cuss more in real life and I use words like lezzi, homo and other words that might offend some people.)
I've been reading blogs by other girls like me..... girls who like girls, and I hope I can slowly add those words and phrases into my journal here. I want to talk like I'm speaking with a friend and not worry about what people will think. It will take a little time though. I worry more about what people will say to my little girl or to my girlfriend to hurt them and less about what people think of me as a person.
I've learned to have patience (thank you babe) and know that not everyone will be ok with me being a lesbian right away. It takes time for people to realize that I am still me and that really nothing about me has changed, just the way others see me. I hope that I can continue to have patience and pray for a more accepting world where future generations don't have to hide or sidestep who they love.

Will you be mine?

I have a pretty amazing Valentine. She's really the only one I want for the rest of my days <3