Gifts

This thing is happening. Where a BUNCH of my facebook friends are pregnant at the same time. It’s been really cool to see all their posts announcing new family members and how excited everyone is. But then this other thing happens, they are pregnant, you know where as females who carry babies and nurture them for nine months, they gain weight. What?! You didn’t know that happens? It DOES! I’m not going to say that when I was pregnant I was happy the whole time and I loved feeling like my feet were three times the size they were supposed to be…BUT I also knew it was supposed to happen to my body and really it should.

I’ve been a little discouraged to see some of them complaining how huge they are and how they can’t believe they are already in maternity clothes. Maybe I’m just one of those people who takes my victories and shares them with the world and tries really really hard to keep my negative thoughts (especially when it includes the ones I love) out of public view, or maybe I’m just feeling holier than thou right now.

I feel like someone, maybe not necessarily me, but someone, should remind these women that not everyone gets to enjoy feet swelling and elastic waistband jeans. That for some women, one of life’s biggest goals is to be able to carry a child, but they won’t actually be able to live out that dream.

So you have a baby bump sooner than most women, DUDE you get to wear elastic waistband pants for longer with it actually being socially acceptable. So you are having your second child and your body just remembers what it was supposed to do and goes back into baby mode, you are going to have one 

superhuman strength child because your body already knows what it’s doing. Revel in the thought that you are creating a HUMAN!! Seek out those moments that realize you get to be a real live incubator and it’s freakin’ cool! And most of all, please remember that you are being given a gift. Yes, you will gain weight, yes, you will probably want to lose some after you give birth to that amazing little being, but for this moment, you are doing what you need to do, and your body is too. 

30....it's a new decade

Thirty things that have happened since I last post. Thirty things, because that is now the decade on which I stand in.
Where I no longer reside with 21 and 25 year old's finding themselves, but thirty where we all pretend that we might have a vague idea of where we might be going...or rather where we might like to be going.
Buckle up, this bad boy is gonna be a long winded whoa buddy kind post :)

1) On May On May 13, 2014, U.S. Chief Magistrate Candy W. Dale ruled that Idaho's constitutional and statutory prohibitions against same-sex marriage were unconstitutional. Mindy and I were ready (like talked to our minister friend ready) to run to the courthouse and get married that Friday, but alas the state appealed the ruling and marriages were put on hold. We were DEVASTATED, so hurt and just down right mad.

2) We started working our dream of getting Lola to run. So we can camp and one day sell all our things and live the life of hippie nomads.

3)  I got a summer job, I felt like a kid again. "Hi, I'm Louise, no I'm just filling in for the summer, your regular girl will be back in a couple months".

4) I was going to propose at PRIDE it was going to be perfect....and then I didn't. There was miscommunication, and parents who didn't like the idea of being with "that many gay people" and it hurt, but it also taught me that boundaries with family are a great thing. We still had fun with our friends even though the day was nothing like I wanted it to be.

5) gardening became my solace

6)  We spent the 4th of July on the ocean, in a beach house. Watching deer in the morning and eating waffles and strawberries. It was beautimous!

7) Mindy outed us to her extended family and no one even batted an eye. 

8) We road tripped from home to #6 (the beach house) then left the kid in Tillamook with grandparents and continued on to Astoria. Can I tell you something right now? The pacific northwest, it is STUNNING I mean really I can't think of a place I would rather live.

9) From Astoria there was Port Townsend, WA and then we lost a bumper (that is a story for a different day but I'll tell you what, we have amazing road trip stories from this vacation) and then on to Seattle.

10) Seattle was beautiful and my good friend from college got married and it made me realize something, something I was actually really happy to find out. I want a wedding, like a wedding with a cake and dancing and all the big wedding "stuff".

11) My second time using my passport (into Canada) I was so excited to get my stamp and then...the...dude...didn't...stamp...it.... ugh I swear I was there. I have photographic proof!

12) On Mindy's 34th birthday I proposed. Just me and her (and our friend Heidi hiding behind a tree for photos). It was perfect, perfect for my Mindy, and perfect for us in what had been a couple of months of feeling like the world chewed us up and spit us out.

She said yes, just in case you missed it.

13) September 8th, Butch Otter takes the gay marriage case to the 9th district court.

14) Ran to Bend for some R&R, got some good beer with my baby.

15) October 15th, Gay couples in Idaho getting married. ELATED

16) The kid turned eight. I realized it's only 10 years till she's an adult. I know that sounds like a lot but, she's already eight. I can't believe she is getting so big.

17) Wedding ideas have started to infiltrate my every waking moment. Colors, places, food... etc etc.

18) I said some things on Facebook that I regret. Now I know that in my out-loud in person interactions I say dumb stuff all the ding dang time. I'm not naive to think that there are people who don't like me because of this, BUT on facebook I try to stay PC but still make things I think important, visible. I was mad about a local election and I was in the midst of finals and I just let my words get away with me.

19) I ended my third semester at CWI and I'm still not really sure how I pulled it off but I managed straight A's. Take that calculus! I'll show you who's boss!

20) I wrote a haiku in five minutes and read it in front of people at a bar. It was about first encounters....maybe I'll tell you about it sometime.

21) Wait.....was that Christmas whizzing by???? hmmm maybe I'll catch it next year.

22) Subjected Mindy to the ENTIRE three seasons of Veronica Mars during Christmas break. I'm pretty sure the couch has Louise and Mindy impressions now.

22) Rang in the New Year with some of my favorite people. Good friends, my little family and confetti cookies are now my definition of a rockin' good time.

23) Ramped up January with power points...not for school, but instead for Girl Scouts. I signed up to be troop cookie manager, oh-my-goodness what the H was I thinking!!



24) Attended an "Add the Words" rally at the capital to kick off my birthday weekend. My sister, dad, and Mindy's parents were at the rally with us. It has been a road, sometimes long and sometimes bumpy but my heart was simply full.
If you haven't heard about this before you should check it out. Idaho State legislature has denied a hearing for a bill that would amend the Idaho Human Rights Act for the last nine years. Just this week they have FINALLY held a hearing that has lasted three whole days. This bill would add "sexual orientation" and "gender identity" to the non discrimination part of the Idaho Human Rights Act. This is so very near and dear to my heart and I know that even if the bill isn't passed this time at least it's a step in the right direction.*edit: the bill was killed in committee this morning and it's hitting me harder than I thought it would.

25) I was proposed to.....I said yes :)
(so much, much more to this one but it deserves it's own post entirely)

26) Turned 30...whew...I actually wrote that. I don't know what goes after that.
Actually I do, I'm glad. Glad that I made it here and I'm happy. Glad that I have some semblance of where I'm going, and really darn glad that I still get carded when we get drinks at dinner, and Mindy doesn't.

27) So, most of you wont believe this without photographic proof but I don't have it...yet. I MET THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, and drove in his motorcade when he visited Boise...ON MY FREAKIN BIRTHDAY! It was such an awesome experience and a really cool way to spend my 30th birthday, it feels a little surreal still.

28) I realized that podcasts are fun and so is listening to Meghan Trainor, and I shouldn't over analyze either of those two things, but enjoy them for what they are.

29) I am sooooooo beyond ready to be done with my associates but I am a little sad to not be in class anymore. I love the school environment. I like having knowledge pumped into my brain at a million miles a minute, but I also relish the thought of having the chance to explore some learnin' on my own terms between my associates and my bachelors. School has been a huge eye opener for me and something I wasn't sure I could do (or at least not do very successfully) but here I am three semesters later and I feel like I get better at it every time. But I might be a little excited to get paid for working my butt off instead of paying people to make me work :|

30) These last 10-ish months have helped me find me even more. I have felt like I have become more of the person I have always meant to be and just not gotten around to.
Mindy and I have grown even more into our relationship and even discussions that turn into arguments that sometimes even lead to fights, make me love our relationship even more. Sometimes when we are arguing I have that split second thought of, "geeze it's really nice to fight with some one who can actually follow my argument". She helps me grow, and be a better me, and more times than not we have a freakin blast being us.
I am so excited to be Mindy's wife and to be an OldenKamp, but even more than that, I am so grateful to be with someone who is constantly pushing me to be LOUISE and nothing more. I can be independent and hard headed, loud mouthed and snarky but she loves me just the same because that is who I am.

photo credit Kelsey Fisher

F****T

As I waited for my little girl to get out of school I couldn't help but notice the group of teenagers no more than 14 standing in a group not ten yards away from me. One outspoken, attention seeking boy and three girls to hang on his every word.
I sat awaiting my little girls arrival outside because it would be the first time I got to see her that week, but then a word was said. A word that hurts and makes me angry just thinking about it. F****T the boy in the huddled group was talking about another boy at lunch who was soooo gay for drinking a Frozen (think the movie) drink. "He's such a f****t" he said with giggles and smiles and my heart just sank. I called to him "Hey, that's not ok. It's not ok to call someone that. It's a derogatory term and it's not ok to use."
They all grew outwardly silent but I could tell it would not be the end of my exchange with him and his little posse' as I heard the boy say to his friends "I should have been like, yes mom." and I just tried to remain calm.
Not two minutes went by before I could hear him raising his voice again to test the waters with me. "You're such a f****t. " he sad to one of the girls in his group. At this point I was seeing red. I raised myself from the cool green grass I had perched myself upon and made my way to the group.

I looked him in the eye and said " I thought I told you that's not an ok thing to call some one?"
"It wasn't me, I didn't say it," he protested
"I heard you, I know you were the one saying it. Listen, I am gay and I don't appreciate you using that term, it's a derogatory term and you should NEVER call anyone that. Think about what you are saying before you say it."
He just blinked a couple times and said "ok"

I walked away still feeling jittery having just come out to a complete stranger and a teenage stranger at that. My hands were shaking as I turned to the school and waited for the bell to ring so I could hug my daughter.
When I had more time to process what happened later it made me realize how different things are for our youth now. They hear these terms flung around like they are words every one uses and accepts. I don't know if this boy heard these words spoken at home or on TV, or a game and frankly I don't really care where he initially heard this term, the fact that he was using it in (for his purpose) the way it was intended was what really stung.

I know that we can't control the words that come from our children's mouths anymore than we can control the weather (having an outspoken kid and living in Idaho has prepared me for that much). However I know that our children model what they see on a day to day basis. It is our jobs as parents to model love and acceptance in our actions and in our words. It is our job to call our kids out when we hear words and see actions that do not demonstrate that love and acceptance. I even feel as an adult that it is my job to call others out when I see hurtful actions.
When I was a teenager I would have never even dreamed of saying those kinds of words around adults or really anywhere I could get caught by an adult. Just ask the boys from my 7th grade PE class, they dared me to swear in class and all I could muster was "I swear dammit". But I just don't think that's how it works anymore. Derogatory terms, swear words and demeaning actions are all around us now, and I think we all have to work together to teach our youth what is really acceptable.

I'm not going to tell you that I am perfect and that I have never said a hurtful thing, because that would be an outright lie. I do however try my hardest to show my daughter and others that even when I don't agree with some one it doesn't mean I wont treat them with respect. Acceptance, love and respect are three of the biggest allies I can have in life and it can show others that hurtful words and actions have no place in the space where I live.
My hope is after reading this you can gain the strength to stand up and show others you are worthy of respect. Whether it be a co-worker who tells the same sexist joke time and time again, the teenager at the park/school/store who continually swears or throws around demeaning terms, or even your parents who put you down for who you love, what you weigh or what kind of person you have become. Stand up for yourself, for others with respect (always with respect) and love to tell people who spew hurtful actions and words that they are better than the darkness that spills out of them.

I think I can I think I can

Alright, I'm pretty sure I'm all caught up...for the moment!

I finally got completely caught up on the math class I transferred into after two weeks (what a nightmare!!) I also just got back my first exam in Macroeconomics....let's just say I'm glad after ten years I can pull a "C" rather well. Not necessarily the best job I could have done but I have to remember this is a process and I'm not going to be good at this whole school thing overnight. At times it will be HARD but I can do it!

Right now I am procrastinating a little homework, cuz a research paper about a research resource sounds oh so exciting, and macroeconomics is something you (or maybe I) don't just learn the first time I read a chapter. Add to that the fact that there are about twenty terms and concepts to learn in this chapter, I just get pretty overwhelmed.

There is one part of school that I love more than all the others, and it's silly but it makes me happy. I love getting to put together outfits. Before this last year I didn't really have a style unless you count jeans and t-shirt a style. But now I get to put things like this together and it makes me uber happy. Plus now I have an actual name for the thing I do with my bangs (thank you tumblr). I call it my femme queer pomp.

  

 BTDub: this.... totally happened last Monday.

 

I'm so glad I am getting this school thing down because right at this moment I'm doing something I KNOW I am good at. I'm making my first batch of tomato and zucchini soup for this season and the tomatoes and zucchini came right from our garden. Sometimes it seems like a pain to grow and tend to a garden but I get so excited when I can actually take vegetables and do something with them.

 

Now I just have to figure out how to interject some friend time into all this other stuff I finally think I have a grasp on.

School

Is there a way to insert rolly eyes?

School, I thought I could handle it but a full course load plus being a mom and attempting to be a good girlfriend is a lot on my plate. Apparently after ten years of no schooling going to class and thinking like a student can be hard. Put on top of that, that I actually care about school now instead of it being something I just go and "do". Sitting and listening to snot nosed kids and trying really hard to not let my lower quiz and homework scores get to me is something I'm not great at.

I am putting my all into this whole "being a full time student" but I almost wonder if that is worse than just being in school mode straight out of high school and not really caring.

Well none the less I'm doing it anyway and trying my best and I suppose that's all I can really do.

It doesn't help that I haven't been hit on once...something Mindy swore would happen lol. I could really use the confidence boost right now ;)

I wish I knew how to put all my thoughts and how they constantly swirl in my head down in this blog. It seems at times I have a million different feelings and thoughts ebbing and flowing through my mind. I feel like I have a constant stream of thoughts, memories, dreams, aspirations, fears, feelings making my head a mess of confusion. I want to be able to write down how I am so happy, but I can't figure out the right story or words to portray my deepest feelings. I want to explain how losing someone I care about closed one chapter of my life but opened the doors to new feelings about those I thought had written me off long ago. I feel so jumbled but so clear headed all at once. How do I smooth out the wrinkled thoughts and make them a smooth free flowing sentence?

 

How do I show the world I am happy being me, even if it makes others uncomfortable? I know who I am and how to smooth the thoughts in my head, but I don't know how to have it make sense to others. I guess I can keep writing and throwing whatever I want out there and hope it means something to some one.

I want to be better at putting all of this down. Knowing I can sort it out with the keys on my laptop untangling all the jumbled mess to make it sound how I want makes me feel better. I think the only way for me to get better at it is to keep practicing.  Hang in there :)

tick tock

Days are flying by

working, bible study, little miss' dance class, church, staying up late, working out, cuddling, concerts, lunch dates, figuring out how tumblr works, hanging out with friends, girl scout meetings, and life just keeps flying by.

I love my life; the only thing I wish I could figure out is how to make it slow down.

I can't wait to get out of town, sleep in, eat some junk food, play music like it's going out of style, and go play in a different town.

Soon....I hope :)