I sat awaiting my little girls arrival outside because it would be the first time I got to see her that week, but then a word was said. A word that hurts and makes me angry just thinking about it. F****T the boy in the huddled group was talking about another boy at lunch who was soooo gay for drinking a Frozen (think the movie) drink. "He's such a f****t" he said with giggles and smiles and my heart just sank. I called to him "Hey, that's not ok. It's not ok to call someone that. It's a derogatory term and it's not ok to use."
They all grew outwardly silent but I could tell it would not be the end of my exchange with him and his little posse' as I heard the boy say to his friends "I should have been like, yes mom." and I just tried to remain calm.
Not two minutes went by before I could hear him raising his voice again to test the waters with me. "You're such a f****t. " he sad to one of the girls in his group. At this point I was seeing red. I raised myself from the cool green grass I had perched myself upon and made my way to the group.
I looked him in the eye and said " I thought I told you that's not an ok thing to call some one?"
"It wasn't me, I didn't say it," he protested
"I heard you, I know you were the one saying it. Listen, I am gay and I don't appreciate you using that term, it's a derogatory term and you should NEVER call anyone that. Think about what you are saying before you say it."
He just blinked a couple times and said "ok"
I walked away still feeling jittery having just come out to a complete stranger and a teenage stranger at that. My hands were shaking as I turned to the school and waited for the bell to ring so I could hug my daughter.
When I had more time to process what happened later it made me realize how different things are for our youth now. They hear these terms flung around like they are words every one uses and accepts. I don't know if this boy heard these words spoken at home or on TV, or a game and frankly I don't really care where he initially heard this term, the fact that he was using it in (for his purpose) the way it was intended was what really stung.
I know that we can't control the words that come from our children's mouths anymore than we can control the weather (having an outspoken kid and living in Idaho has prepared me for that much). However I know that our children model what they see on a day to day basis. It is our jobs as parents to model love and acceptance in our actions and in our words. It is our job to call our kids out when we hear words and see actions that do not demonstrate that love and acceptance. I even feel as an adult that it is my job to call others out when I see hurtful actions.
When I was a teenager I would have never even dreamed of saying those kinds of words around adults or really anywhere I could get caught by an adult. Just ask the boys from my 7th grade PE class, they dared me to swear in class and all I could muster was "I swear dammit". But I just don't think that's how it works anymore. Derogatory terms, swear words and demeaning actions are all around us now, and I think we all have to work together to teach our youth what is really acceptable.
I'm not going to tell you that I am perfect and that I have never said a hurtful thing, because that would be an outright lie. I do however try my hardest to show my daughter and others that even when I don't agree with some one it doesn't mean I wont treat them with respect. Acceptance, love and respect are three of the biggest allies I can have in life and it can show others that hurtful words and actions have no place in the space where I live.
My hope is after reading this you can gain the strength to stand up and show others you are worthy of respect. Whether it be a co-worker who tells the same sexist joke time and time again, the teenager at the park/school/store who continually swears or throws around demeaning terms, or even your parents who put you down for who you love, what you weigh or what kind of person you have become. Stand up for yourself, for others with respect (always with respect) and love to tell people who spew hurtful actions and words that they are better than the darkness that spills out of them.
